Friday, November 6, 2015

Learning to Trust Myself

I’ve hit this wall before. I’ve been shattered and battered and bruised before. I’fe felt the quiet whisperings in my heart that my Heavenly Father knows. He knows me. He knows you. He knows that what’s true for me may not be true for you. He knows my heart. He knows your heart.

About a year ago, I sat in a therapist’s office. He’d asked me to choose a toy from a basket that represented my anxiety and mild depression. I thought it was stupid, but I rummaged through the dolls, the plastic animals and cars and pulled out a train. He told me to give the train a name and I named it “Bully.” He then asked me to describe Bully. I saw myself on a train track standing and pushing against the weight of an oncoming train. The train had so much more power, so much more weight and ability to run me over, but I still held my ground. I stayed glued to the track. The train didn’t really know me—didn’t know I was there. It would run be over without a ripple in its path to move forward. 

Bully wasn’t my anxiety. It wasn’t my depression. Bully was the church or more specifically the way I had been feeling about the church. The church doesn’t bulldoze everyone, so don’t think I’m judging your journey if it’s working well for you. I’ve felt that way too. It wasn’t always this painful. 

But this time, I was on that track and I held my ground at all costs. I enveloped my pain and made it a part of me. I jumped through every hoop as it came along, policies that hurt others, General Conference talks that poked at my friends’ hearts, and at my heart. Things I didn’t believe began to outweigh what I did. And as I held Bully in my hands and described all that I have done to stay on the track even when it was uncomfortable for me, even when I saw my LGBT friends hurt, bloodied and bruised and even pushed out. Even when I saw others who tried to make the church work for them excommunicated. And even when what I believed started looking like something else entirely. Even through being completely misunderstood, I stayed on that train track. 

My therapist asked me a question. By now I was shaking. I was emotional. I was in pain. The question was, “What is keeping you from getting off the track?” 

If I remember right my jaw went slack. I didn’t understand the question—not really. I didn’t see myself as having a choice. What kept me on the track was Swedish ancestors who risked everything, alienation from family and friends, loss of jobs, and homeland, all to join a new church. What kept me on the track?  Mormon pioneers who sold everything for a fraction of what it was worth and crossed the plains at great hardship and loss. What kept me on the track was seeing my dad as a bishop, years of family prayer, and home evenings, primary songs, and young women’s, my mom and her faithful heart, my friends, my family, my love for all the young women I’ve taught over the years, my children, my grandchildren and their future missions and temple marriages. What kept me on the track was my own burning testimony, my own temple marriage, my good husband, our years of faithful service and the list goes on and on. 

I left the therapist’s office feeling the weight of it all. My arms are so tired. My heart is worn out. It may have been later that evening or early in the morning that an impression hit me. Bullies only have power when you let them have the power. Take back your power. 


Even as I write this. I’m still on that track. I haven’t taken back the power. I haven’t moved off the track—not entirely. One foot is still tied onto that track. I hate that its come to this once again. I am working toward trust. Trust that I can still be  an influence for good in the world and create a safe space for my gay friends and their families. I will trust that Heavenly Father will help me create my own path and let go of the weight I’ve been carrying. I will trust that eventually I will be able to step off the track. And if I desire, back on again. I trust that someday I will not take back my power—since I’m not sure I ever had it in the first place—but gain my own power with loving Heavenly parents. Then Bully and I might be able to be friends again, but for now it might be best if Bully and I don’t see each other for a while. So Bully, don't think I never loved you, I did. You sustained me for most of my life, but sometimes relationships get soured. Sometimes relationships aren't working and it takes a lot of strength to recognize that and move off the track. 

14 comments:

  1. Love to you Carole, and to all of us who are reeling from the church's announcement. We are not alone.

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    1. Pauli, you and I are soul sisters who have never met. Thanks for reading and sharing in our communal pain.

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  2. You describe my feelings exactly except that I am the pioneer, a convert who has raised my children in the Mormon Church. I have struggled to remain on the track but this latest blow makes it even harder.

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    1. Yes, it makes it so much harder. I'm trying to decide if I need to be a pioneer now and forge a new path. Thanks for sharing.

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  3. You are an inspiration to your fellow Church members as well as the Church Leaders. You now have a small idea of what pain it was to be and outcast growing up in Utah without being a LDS member. I feel your pain, frustration, and anger toward the very core of your being. LDS members, for the most part, are God-fearing minions of an age old practice of brainwashing. Anyone who is force to believe everything they are told is/are a victim of brainwashing. I admit my childhood hatred of the LDS faith was a brainwashed notion of my own parents.

    I stand dumbfounded today after reading several posts regarding the status of the LDS faith on same sex marriages and the children who are blessed to live in a home filled with the powerof love. I'm glad I don't have to be ashamed of my belief that Gid loves us all .... period. I will continue to pray for you as Church members to wake up and see what your Church is really doing .

    Godspeed

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  4. You are an inspiration to your fellow Church members as well as the Church Leaders. You now have a small idea of what pain it was to be and outcast growing up in Utah without being a LDS member. I feel your pain, frustration, and anger toward the very core of your being. LDS members, for the most part, are God-fearing minions of an age old practice of brainwashing. Anyone who is force to believe everything they are told is/are a victim of brainwashing. I admit my childhood hatred of the LDS faith was a brainwashed notion of my own parents.

    I stand dumbfounded today after reading several posts regarding the status of the LDS faith on same sex marriages and the children who are blessed to live in a home filled with the powerof love. I'm glad I don't have to be ashamed of my belief that Gid loves us all .... period. I will continue to pray for you as Church members to wake up and see what your Church is really doing .

    Godspeed

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    1. Cheryl, I love your thoughts. Thanks for praying for me and other church members. Life really throws some ironic curve balls, or in this case the church.

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  5. Carole, you are such an inspiration. Thank you for your blog post. It was so well written. My prayers are with you and all in the LDS community who are struggling to understand or are dealing with the pain of the new change. It is not an easy time for anyone, regardless of your choice of faiths. I think the hardest part is that children have now been involved. So many of my friends are searching deep right now. Trying to make some very difficult personal decisions. My heart is in pieces and I am not even LDS. Thank you for being you, Carole!

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  6. I respect you Carole, you are a very strong woman. I wish I was as brave as you are. Thank you for always being an example in my life.

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    1. I wish I knew who wrote this, but it's just anonymous. Thanks for your encouragement. It's not always easy to take a stand, but for me that's easier than being silent. If I'm silent I don't get any sleep.

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  7. It's very interesting, the similarities between my dream and your experience. I was ON the train and had to jump off. In both cases, the train was the church, and it was deadly. I'm really glad that I jumped. I didn't think I would feel so happy being off that train. It's hard to go against so much of our heritage and the teachings we've been told all our lives. But in the end, it's about OUR journey and we are accountable for ourselves only. Thank you for being such a loving and bright soul in a dark world. <3

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    1. Thanks so much Melinda for sharing your dream with me. It is a reminder to me that answers are there for us. You are so brave and I admire how you have taken hold of your own journey.

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  8. Carol,
    I read through your blog, and I'm truly sorry that you are hurting. There are a lot of unfair situations in this life, but it is not your's or my role to right all the wrongs, nor can we. There is only one man who ever walk the earth, who paid the price for everyone's pain, suffering and sins. Our Savior, Jesus Christ, is the only being who has the inside into everyone's individual struggles. Thus he is the only being who has the ability to judge a man and right all the injustice in this life. I think you need to trust in our Savior and his atoning sacrifice. You can not win at this battle, because it is not your battle to fight, it is our Saviors. Maybe you're looking at the LDS leadership all wrong, maybe their policy regarding the LBGT'S children, is an act of mercy and kindness.

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    1. Dear anonymous person. It took me a long time to publish this because it seems that you are trying to shame me for stating my feelings. I put my name to everything even when it's controversial because I believe it's not fair to criticize without a name attached to it. I agree completely that our Savior is the only one who can right the wrongs. And yet as a member of the church, I've been taught to stand as a witness for our Savior. I believe you believe that you are doing the same thing--though we have differing opinions as to how to do that. I also believe that if I'm wrong, I will err on the side of love.

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