Sunday, April 14, 2013

A year later and I'm still well, I'm doing better...

Last year about this time of year I blogged about all that had been lost in March of 2012. Our lovely church building was being torn down. Now the new building is almost done. My mother-in-law Ruth died at the end of March and I found I had no idea how profoundly I would feel her loss in my life. Perhaps most debilitating was that for the second time in my life I was going through a period of prolonged depression, triggered by an unending loss of faith which may (or may not) have been triggered by a PTSD/S situation. Feeling low and then lower, I called a psychotherapist who had been recommended, and found she had a one year waiting-list. I told them that would not do me any good, so didn't put my name on this list. I wish I had.

Though one year later, I've made a lot of progress. I feel happy more days than not. I've learned to be more honest about who I am. I'm still learning to not worry about what people think about me, knowing that I'm only responsible for my own feelings and not theirs. A friend, recommend a book called "Mindset" by Carol Dweck. I love it. It's helping me to look at failing or making mistakes as growth. Knowing that there is no growth possible without the acceptance that failing is a possibility. I feel like I'm doing a better job of being true to my conscience. I care more deeply and feel more love for people than I did before this period of loss and depression began. I've made some real positive steps in defining my faith and being true to the what brings peace. I'm learning to listen ever so carefully for the answers. I find them on my daily walks, when I visit with a friend, when I read a story to a grandchild, or when I write my thoughts, or make something in my studio.

Last week I listened to the majority of conference. Besides being happy that they finally asked a woman to pray in the public world wide meeting, there were some gems. One was the talk given by Elder Holland. I felt like he was throwing a lifeline out to me and others who walk on the edge of the waters of faith. The path for me isn't murky, it is quite clear. Where my conscience conflicts with the teachings (or current teachings) of my church, my conscience dictates. My own religion teaches me this over and over again. Stand for truth and righteousness. Pray for personal revelation. Do what is right, let the consequence follow and on and on. What I liked about Elder Holland's talk was that much, but these words stand out. Honestly acknowledge your questions and your concerns, but first and forever fan the flame of your faith, because all things are possible to them that believe. 
Also, I really liked this: "Imoments of fear or doubt or troubling times, hold the ground you have already won, even if that ground islimited. ...When those moments come and issues surface, the resolution of which is not immediately forthcoming, hold fast to what you already know and stand strong until additional knowledge comes. It was of this very incident, this specific miracle, that Jesus said, “If ye have faith as grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you. The size of your faith or the degree of yourknowledge is not the issue—it is the integrity you demonstrate toward thefaith you do have and the truth you already know.

There was more, but that's enough for now.