Have you ever had a moment when something switched in your
mind in an instant? Most ideas evolve gradually, the line upon line kind of
progression, but a couple of times my thinking changed immediately. The first
time I remember was when our daughter was a fourteen-year-old. When she was twelve
and new to Young Women’s, she was fully onboard with the gospel: she read her
scriptures, attended all her meetings, gained medallions and so on. Things
changed. By age fourteen the difficulty of adolescence set in and she started
to balk about going to mutual. This scared me. I was going through my own
mid-life crisis which magnified the seriousness of this minor change in her
life. I was afraid that if she stopped going to mutual, she might make serious
mistakes, ones that could alter her course permanently. Yes, I was making a
mountain out of a molehill, but I couldn’t see clearly. In my desperation I
pleaded with my Heavenly Father to right my daughter and prick her heart so
that she would know how important church and Young Women’s were. Instead He
pricked my heart. I had a comfort flow over me such as I’d never had before.
The comfort was powerful and undeniable and it was this. She is just fine
the way she is. Do not worry. The
feeling changed the way I treated her. I relaxed and my new attitude made all
the difference. My worry was eased and the relationship with my daughter was
strengthened.
The second change came years later when our daughter was
about 19 or 20. On an Easter Sunday afternoon I’d come home after church and
was at the stove cooking dinner. Our daughter had been away to a university
about two hours from home and had told us that she wouldn’t be able to come
home for Easter. So when she opened the front door and peaked inside and said
hello, it caught me off guard. When I turned to see her, I knew by what she was
wearing that she hadn’t been to church. The look on my face must have
registered disappointment because her happy face fell and she said, “Aren’t you
excited to see me?”
In an instant, I knew I was wrong, very wrong. I had a
moment of teaching. Was it the Holy Spirit who taught me? I don’t know. But
what slammed into my mind were these words Shame, shame, shame on you for
allowing your values to damage the much more important relationship with your
daughter. “Go back out and come in again,”
I said. She did. She stepped outside and came in again. “Hello?” This time I
ran to the door, shouting her name, hugged her and showed in every way how
excited I was to see her. She laughed and said that was better. But what if I
hadn’t recovered? What if my daughter wasn’t bold enough, or confident enough
to call me on my behavior? I don’t think she knew that what she first saw was
disapproval, she may have thought I was indifferent about her visit. Either way,
my first reaction was not the right one.
My daughter had skipped church and driven two hours to
surprise me on what I had always told her was my favorite holiday. Graciously
she allowed me a do-over. As parents we often blow it. Sometimes our words do
damage. Sometimes our actions do damage to our precious relationships with
family and friends. We don’t always get do-overs with relationships. We never
get do-overs with our first reactions.
As the months and years passed we suspected our daughter wasn’t
attending church very often. She’d never told us her feelings about it and we
really wanted her to be active, find a good Mormon boy to marry and settle down
with. We really wanted her to believe! Deep down I knew this wasn’t what she
wanted. Deep down I suspected that certain aspects of church doctrine,
especially the temple, were things she could never fully embrace. Still hoping
though, every once in a while my husband or I would ask her if she had found
the local church wherever she happened to be in the world. Finally one day she
said, “I know you think the church is important, but it just isn’t important to
me. I don’t feel like I need it… right now.”
I think her adding the “right now,” was to soften the blow.
We had raised her with certain beliefs and she was rejecting those. When our
children reject our values and beliefs, it’s easy to feel like they are
rejecting us. Even though we suspected she had rejected the church, until we
heard her voice it out-loud we hadn’t wanted to believe it. It still stabbed me
in the heart. My husband was sad too. Later when she told me online that she,
“no longer believed.” I felt sad. My fears for my world-traveling daughter
sometimes bordered on the extreme, but I have kept going back to that moment of
clarity on an Easter Sunday. And even further back to the very real comfort
when she was fourteen. Since then, we’ve always tried to support our daughter.
I believe she feels our approval not only of what she does, but of her. I
wholeheartedly approve of my daughter. She is just fine the way she is.
Orson F. Whitney taught Joseph Smith’s doctrine in
General Conference in 1929 and this has been reiterated several times since by
our leaders, “Though some of the sheep may wander, the eye of the Shepherd is
upon them, and sooner or later they will feel the tentacles of Divine
Providence reaching out after them and drawing them back to the fold. Whether
in this life or the life to come…” Comfort for any Mormon parent. What we may
perceive as wandering may be a different path, but not necessarily the wrong
one. Mark Nepo, a philosopher, said “We grow into truth, one self at a time:
questioning, declaring, missing, questioning again. As fruits all are encased
until ripe, light comes full term in the dark and truth ripens in the heart.
The only way to know the truth is to live through many casings.”
What I have learned as a parent and what I have learned
because of my own crisis of faith may benefit others. Here are some things to
think about if your son or your daughter, your mother or father, your spouse,
your best friend, or someone else important to you tells you that they have
deep concerns about the truthfulness of the gospel. First of all, be grateful
that your relationship with this person is one of trust. If they didn’t trust
you they wouldn’t be able to tell share their innermost fears. Know that the
deeper you are committed to the gospel the harder a faith crisis is to admit.
Most likely this admission has come very slowly over time. Getting to this
point they have exhausted other possibilities. They have tried very hard to
believe and they have fallen short. They’ve probably struggled for a long time
before reaching out, hoping you will understand. Admitting their truth may be
one of the hardest things they have ever done.
What you do when you hear them express their disbelief,
especially if it’s your son or daughter is crucial. I know now that I did some
things right with our daughter, but I did some things wrong. I wish I’d told my
daughter that it’s okay with me. That no matter which way path she’s on, even
if it’s not my path, if it brings here peace and joy, then it’s fine. I wish I had asked her if she wanted to
talk about it. Instead of doing those two things, I just didn’t say anything.
Worse, I may even changed the subject. Doubt is part of the process, but we are
afraid of the questions. Later, much later, we’ve talked about it, but at the
moment she needed my support the most, I gave her a hand but not a very
encouraging one. You can take a
lesson from me or you can take a lesson from a friend of mine who has a gay
son. When he “came out” to her, she said, “So? You are still my son. I love
you.” Now obviously coming out for him was more dramatic than someone who
rejects their faith, but there are some similarities. Fear of rejection is
paramount. You have only a moment to alleviate those fears. Your loved one will
do far better if the first thing that comes from your mouth is your
unconditional assurance of your love for them. “So? You are still my daughter,
my son, my friend, my spouse… And I love you.”
When someone shares his or her fears and doubts, resist the
urge to lecture or bear your testimony—right now. It isn’t helpful when someone
is hurting to tell them what you think they should be doing or what you believe.
Chances are, especially if you are the parent, that you’ve taught them and they
know what you believe already. Telling them at this tipping point that you
believe the church is true insinuates that something is wrong with them. We are
taught as Mormons to be bold in bearing testimonies. You may think if you don’t
bear your testimony of faith to the unbeliever you are failing, but we are also
taught to bear testimony only when the spirit is right and if you listen,
really listen, this isn’t the right time. Bearing testimony can feel like an
assault and judgment. The best thing you can do for them right now is to assure
them that all will be well. Don’t miss the opportunity to be kind.
Some people assume that those of us who are doubters are
sinning. Resist the urge to ask your loved one what they are doing wrong or if
they are reading anti-Mormon literature. Resist the urge to ask them if they
are still praying. Resist the urge to ask them if they are reading their
scriptures. Chances are they have prayed harder than you have. Ask if they want
to talk about their feelings. Then listen with all your heart without
interrupting. Please keep the trust they had in you. Don’t talk about them with
anyone that they haven’t given you permission to talk to.
It’s ok to be sad. It’s ok to even show you are sad. You can
say it makes me sad that you are struggling. But try not to infer that your
happiness depends upon his or her church activity. If we are the parent of this
person it’s very hard, but pinning our happiness on someone else’s church
activity isn’t right and it isn’t fair. Now what? Keep being there. Keep the
door open—always. Be a friend, a true friend without an agenda. There may come
a time when they will want to know what you believe and how you came to believe
it. Be patient. Wait until they ask. If they never do, that’s ok as long as
your friendship or your love isn’t dependent on that.
Keep talking
about the things that are important to them. If it’s school, a job, a
relationship, music, art, travel, computers, whatever—ask them about it. Show
your approval for all the things that they are doing right and good. There is so much that they might be
able to teach you, if you listen. You don’t have to pretend you aren’t
concerned about church, but don’t let your concern become the elephant in the
room. Do not let the church be a wedge in your relationship. If the
relationship is broken, chances to heal the broken spirit are lost. We have all
our lives and eternity to figure everything out. Remember that and put things
in perspective.
